Today I was working with a client, (I am a life coach, when I am not making organic PB and J sandwhiches or wiping snotty noses), and she is at a crossroads. She is in a place that is very familiar to me. She is wanting to have more intimate, close relationships with people. She is a college student whom just went home to her parents, and realized that she hardly knows her family, and has few friends she can depend on. There is no vulnerability, no intimacy, no real connection. And as a result of that, she feels alone, abandoned, and just plain confused, and saddened by the whole situation. But it doesn’t seem that her parents, or friends, are just going to change out of the blue. So, she has a few choices. She can sit around and complain, and wait for them to change. (She has choose this thus far, and its getting a bit old.) Or, she can try something different herself.
I know what that is like though, boy do I! When what you are doing no longer works, when you realize that the results you are getting, are no longer the results you want. But to CHANGE…?! EEKK!
As we were talking, I got that that is where the NOW comes in. That,s when we get to flow with what life calls for, instead of just unconsciously doing what we always have. Like just spitting out patterns instead of, maybe, stepping into what might be next to do, that we wouldn’t normally do.
For my client, she decided to call her parents on a wednesday afternoon, (when she normally calls them on sunday evenings), and tell them she is feeling a bit sad, and really just wanted to say hi, (when she normally talks with them about the weather). It was scary for her to do this. She took the risk of having her mom say, sorry I am busy, and her feeling rejected and angry. Which could have very well happened. But not doing this left her feeling that way anyway.
There comes a time, sometimes that there is a call for change. And I enjoyed hearing that my client “felt heard” for the first time by her mom, because she was open to taking a risk, and followed through.
AH, the power of NOW.

I have been waking up in the morning to my son chanting “OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA!”. He is very much a fan our our prez. Or maybe, he just really loves the sound of his name. Whatever it is, he loves saying Obama. Then a bit later I saw this brilliant quote at my chiropractors office.

“It is only when you hitch your wagon to something larger than yourself, that you can then realize your true potential.”
Barack Obama

I love this. Being married, raising kids, working with clients and other people, is when I really get to see what I am made of. They all bring challenges, sometimes bigger than I feel I can bare, but that’s when I grow.
I was watching an interview with Eckhart Tolle, and he talked about how he noticed that when Obama has to deal with a challenge, and God knows he has MANY, he doesn’t resist it. He says, okay, how can we deal with this. He doesn’t complain, or deny, or push it away in any way. That, according to Tolle, is “to be at one with life”. Flowing with what comes, even if it totally sucks.
I think it says a lot about where we are in our conciousness as a country that we have elected a man like this as our president.
I am quite inspired. So I think I will just let my OBAMA! OBAMA! OBAMA! alarm be a reminder to first, when I feel like I am drowning, hitch my wagon to something larger, and second, just freakin flow.

Today, I am noticing the space between the things. Between my hubby going back to work from 2 weeks off, Coral back at school, playdates for Curren, and all the other many daily things that family life requires, there is much happening. Like I said though, I am focusing on the space between the things. This morning when I decided to take this on, I thought, what freakin space between? Good Luck.

And then it started to appear. The silence at the breakfast table between bites of eggs. The space when the kids are petting Edward, and all is still. The space between putting on my eyeliner, and putting up my hair. The space between putting the keys in the ignition, and starting the car. The space stopped at the red light where nothing else is happening. The space between each bite of lunch, each sip of green tea. Right now, the space between each letter on the keyboard.

Sometimes I feel bogged down by all the stuff. Right now though, I feel like I am floating on all the space.

Just got off Facebook. Seems everyone is talking about new years resolutions. The feel of new beginnings is in the air. It’s great.
This year, I am going with the same theme. Space. Not rushing. Enjoying more. Along with taking on more in life. Saying “yes” more.
Seems I have already started with the new little kitty in our life. More love. More being.

Last night we spent the evening at the beach right near our home with some friends, food, and a warm toasty bonfire. Kids played, adults laughed, everyone ate. The full moon arose to greet us all. Blessing us with more light to welcome in the new year. It was sweet and beautiful.
Whatever this year brings I can really say that more than ever before I am ready and excited for life, with all its mysteries and miracles.
On we go…

Today my water heater exploded. Not sure why I am sharing this. It does make a great opening sentence though.
The holidays were magical and blessed. Being a mom during christmas is one of my favorite things. There ain’t nothin’ like those little faces on christmas morning seeing that santa came. MAGIC!
We got our kids a kitty this year. Coral has been wanting this little kitty my sister was fostering. And christmas morning we got him. Edward, (named by my 12 year old niece after Edward Cullen from the Twilight series) is fantastic. He beams playfulness and beingness. My kids ADORE him. We all adore him. He has brought more laughter, more love, and more being into our home.
I have never been a pet person. I used to kinda make fun of pet people actually. Don’t get me wrong, my sister is like the ultimate pet person. She has 4 dogs, a cat, and 4 kittens right now. Its not like I have anything against them I just never got it. I felt so filled up with my 2 kids that I couldn’t imagine taking on more.
But with Edward. Oh. When he snuggles and purrs on my lap. My heart has opened even more thru this being. What a blessing.

I had a conversation with a wise older friend of mine a bit ago. She asked me how my relationship with God was. I went on to say that my biggest struggle these days was integrating “God” into my life. Which seems a bit weird, being that God, to me IS all things. But lately life has been so busy and full, I’d go a whole day without feeling connected to anything bigger. Therefore I’d feel lost, and alone at the end of the day. Not a fun way to end it.
Anyway, her advice to me was to talk to God. Just talk. Say whatever I want. Just talk. Often.
So I have been taking this on. It has been interesting. Wonderful, actually. I remember as a kid I would sit in church and look up to the sky, and talk to this all knowing God up there. So separate. So much better than ‘little old me’.
This is different. I have had fascinating conversations with God. And these days it feels like home. I am not gonna get into trouble if I am honest, which I really am. When I am done, I feel lighter, more connected, less alone, less confused, less “sucked in”. I may look like a crazy bitch, just talking to “no one”, but it has gotten me out of some hairy situations. Like when I feel like strangling my kids…I don’t, or divorcing my husband,… I haven’t. God is always available. This is good.

I was just laying in my bed with my daughter sleeping peacefully. Her head was on my chest. I watched as her chest rose up and down with each breathe. So still. So peaceful. Her mouth hung open vulnerable to the world around her. I just stared. I was just witness to this beautiful being before me. Her smell, the feel of her hair. I love every ounce of her so much I could burst.
Thoughts and emotions started galloping into my head after a few minutes of this bliss. Tears fell from my eyes. Suddenly I felt so much fear about losing her. How would I ever recover? Would I ever recover?
I am so amazed by the courage it takes to love another, because so quickly, without notice, that one could be gone. To fully love, and lose yourself in that love, knowing this anyway, is such a feat. It is scary. But life can be scary. And that’s the risk we take.
Right now, I get to be in the presence of this incredible creature, and soak in her goodness.
I wiped my tears, validated my fears, and loved her anyway. That’s all there is to do.

Today, nothing worked. Nothing. It was a day from hell.
From when I burnt my finger on the stove brewing my morning Bancha tea. To my dryer not working correctly, to cutting my other finger on glass my Dad broke and didn’t bother to tell me about, to a serious case of PMS. All the while my kids took turns having full on temper tantrums all day long. About everything. And anything. I am sure it didn’t help that my husband was away for the past 6 days, and I am exhausted. And did I mention am due for my monthly blessing? Oh, I did.
I was the mom at the park today that sat on the bench and cried, while my kids cried and screamed also. Anything I was doing was not working so why try. I just sat. Sat, and realized nothing was working. I just thought, I am totally in hell right now. I feel miserable inside. I am toxic for my kids to be around, and they feel it. But there is nowhere else for them to go, or for me to go for that matter.
So I let myself be. I let the misery be there. I listened to my kids scream in the background. I took a breathe. I took my more breathes. I was just with my suffering. It was hard.
It didn’t make anything better. It didn’t change anything.
My kids were still screaming. I still felt surges of anger and anxiety in my body. I still wished I was the mom having fun, instead of sitting on the bench with 2 cranky children telling me they don’t want me to be their mama anymore.
I then looked up, and noticed the most outstanding sunset. Pink and orange light was peeking through the smallest of cracks in the clouds. The clouds were billowy, and fluffy. Some were dark, looking like they would bring rain, and others were white like bi, giant cotton balls in the sky. They were miraculous. They brought just a tiny bit of grace to what I think was a horrendous day. My kids still screamed, still not much changed. But I surrendered it all and let the beauty before my sink in a bit.
Sometimes nothing makes things better. And somehow, some way, surrendering to just that, has God written all over it.

I am actually doing what I say, and trying something new.
I realized I don’t really listen well. Especially to my kids.
Out of shear desperation to not have to deal with my kids fighting the same way I always deal with it, because it don’t work (mom that ain’t a gramatical error), I busted out my child rearing books. They are so creased, and beaten up from reading them so much, yet somehow when I could really use some guidance, I forget it all. Anyhow, I got em out again. As I read about how to get my kids to listen, I thought, oh, um, I don’t listen.
So all day today, I listened. And boy, if ya ever want to see how much ya talk, try not talking. I had to literally put my hand over my mouth more times than I’d like to share. And it was amazing how much Coral responded. She loved it. It wasn’t a miracle cure for them fighting, but it did make a huge difference. Coral came up with solutions, she answered some questions I would normally jump in with an answer I thought was important, but really wasn’t. With less of my yappin, my day went more smoothly.
Go figure.
There is something to this “letting them be”.I could tell she felt more powerful, and a bit less dependent on me. And I felt less pressure, less like a hovering mom, and more like a human BEING.
Ah. I should do more what I know to do more often.

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving. As usual when my family is involved, there was healthy doses of laughter, tears, anger, forgiveness, and more laughter.
My little brother and sister had some unresolved issues with one another. It all got laid out on the table. In the normal Acosta style, right in front of everyone. Very loudly.
I feel like I could do without the drama sometimes, but I am also very used to it. The biggest thing I realized while trying to support them both through it, and trying to shut my mouth, was how amazing relationships are. They truly are where we get to work SO much out.
Despite the intense emotions, I was in awe of how they both hung in there with one another. Hurtful things were said, but they still heard one another. They both wanted to bail, but they didn’t.
What a gift for each other. I mean, loving someone through your rage, while they are calling you out. It is easy to love someone when things are smooth as butta (as my NY mom would say), but the real test is when someone rips your heart out, stomps on it , and calls you a mother f%$#$@#, and then still loving them. And not only loving them but, continuing to be fully engaged with them. That’s where the growth is. Therein lies the juice.
So there was lots of juice with our turkey that night. And I think they are still tentative with each other, but they are committed. Committed to be honest, be real, and look at their own responsibility in the matter.
My heart felt more open leaving that night. I was proud to be in the presence of such depth and authenticity. I was, and am, grateful for it all.

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